Comparison Kills Relationships

News flash: comparison kills relationships. The truth is many of us, including me, have a tendency to look over at other people and wish we had what they had. We look at their social media and want perfection too. But is it perfect? It might be for them, but what works for them might not work for you. I’m going to get really clear about the dangers of comparing your relationship to others, and then we can look at what to do instead.

Ready?

My husband and I have been married for 27 years this month. There have been good times, great times, and times I felt like it was more of a roommate living arrangement than a marriage. It’s a journey and it takes intention, communication, and connection. Learning how to grow a strong marriage and the relationships we have with our kids is one of the pillars of life that we share with each other. Our relationships are something that we have consistently focused on for our life goals.

I’m not saying our journey was easy, but it wasn’t hard work either. This is why. We intentionally are choosing not to focus on comparing our relationship with others. Life becomes hard when we start comparing ourselves. It clutters our minds with endless thoughts that distract us from what’s important. Comparison kills relationships: marriages, friendships, and personal self-worth.

I’m going to say this again because it needs to be said as a reminder.

Comparison kills relationships: marriages, friendships, and personal self-worth.

I’ve been here many, many times over the years but intentionally find ways to bring my focus to what matters most. I’m not immune to the glamour and distractions that are outside my bubble. There were times where I’d look at other happy couples or couples that “had it all” and wondered what life would be like to be exactly like them.

However, I do know that my relationship will never be exactly like theirs because I’m me and my husband is his own self, and together we are not the other couple. This is true for friendships and it is also true for your personal development.

When we are busy comparing our lives and our relationships to the outside world we do two things:

we take the focus off of what we can appreciate in our life now
let the ego drive our thoughts

I’ve seen time and time again, relationships sliding downhill all because one (or both) started using another relationship to measure against their own relationship. The ego started driving the thoughts and there became an obsession that quickly drove a spike through their once healthy relationship.

Why can’t you be like him?

Look at them, they have it all!

I’m doing everything to be just like her, and he’s resenting me for it.

So and so does this, why can’t you?

She’s so hot, why can’t I look like her?

Why does he feel the need to improve himself? Soon, I won’t be good enough for him anymore.

Ego. It is your brain telling you that you and your relationship aren’t enough. That you don’t deserve to have happiness so you are looking for it elsewhere. BUT it is sabotaging what you do have. If you are too busy looking outside your home (and yourself for that matter) for validation and love then you won’t see the blessings inside your home (and yourself).

What to do Instead

It boggles my mind when people follow celebrities and literally dress like them, start trying to act like them, and want to be them in every way. They decorate their house the same way, buy the same items, on and on…

Why is their life better than yours? Why is the grass always greener over there?

The grass is green where you water it.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before and I’m definitely not saying that you can’t look at other people to glean inspiration. You can use them for inspiration, just don’t let it become obsessive. I have people that I follow, people that inspire me but I don’t want their life. I am living the life I love now. Do I want to build on it and transform it? Yes, but I appreciate where I am and what my life is like now.

This mindset that I just showed you is built upon a powerful concept. By learning to love your life and the journey you are able to appreciate the little things now, while knowing that life changes, and you have the power to create your life and love it. It’s not about chasing a dream. It’s about loving where you are and building upon it naturally.

Over the years my husband and I have discussed couples that we looked up to and the characteristics of their relationship or parenting styles that we liked. Then together we tried to add that into our marriage or parenting style, our own way. The key here is we gleaned inspiration but didn’t expect the other person to magically become another person.

When your relationships are hard work, it might be time to look within. Are you constantly comparing your relationship to other relationships? What are your expectations? Is the ego driving your thoughts? Are you missing out on the little things because you’re focused on something else? If you are, these 3 simple steps helping marriages might be a good place to start.

My husband isn’t the gushy romantic type, but he is the man that shows me his love and respect in many small ways. Before starting my mindfulness journey I didn’t see those acts of love. Before I rediscovered how to love myself again, I couldn’t appreciate his love for me. While his love kept me upright in those dark years, when I finally learned to accept who I was, I began to appreciate how his love. Now his love is one of the life pillars that energize me and empowers me to keep moving forward.

Please remember, comparison kills relationships: marriages, friendships, and personal development. Be inspired but don’t let it become obsessive. Be YOU, not them.