People-Pleasing is Sucking the Life Out of You

That’s right! Your people-pleasing is sucking the life out of you. The worst problem with this is you may not realize it until you are so ingrained in the people-pleasing habits that your life isn’t the one you wanted. It isn’t the life you dreamed about. It’s someone else’s.

You might be thinking this is a bit of an extreme statement. Is it? Let’s dig into the typical people-pleasing habits for those of us that are choosing or have chosen to live this way. Then I’ll show you how to start shifting that mindset so you can start managing your fears, worries, and anxiety, so you can start creating a life you love.

People-pleasing is the third assumption that our brains use as a way to feed our fears, worries, and anxieties. The first is how we handle uncertainty in life, the second relates to how perfectionism feeds anxiety. Some of us only struggle with one or two assumptions, others, like me, get to dabble in all three.

Yes, I am a recovering people-pleaser. Will you join the club? When you realize you are doing so much people-pleasing that it is making you miserable and poisoning various areas of your life, then it’s time to take action. At least that is what I did. Thankfully I wasn’t completely lost so when I was called out on my own actions I started noticing subtle habits that were hurting me.

Whether you are reading this because a friend or loved one told you to read it, or if you know you are a people pleaser and need to make some changes, then please take comfort in this one thing. Life will be better than you imagined if you can move through the scary and live a life YOU love, instead of being someone else for anyone else.

Your People-Pleasing is Sucking the Life Out of You

It may not be completely horrible, but your life force, the person you are meant to be, is being squashed every time you choose to do any of your people-pleasing habits out of fear, worry or anxiety. That is the key in this situation.

Let me clarify, people-pleasing can be good. After all, you are helping other people and bringing happiness to the world.

However, when you are motivated in doing that action through fear, worry, or anxiety, in one form or another, that is when the healthy action becomes an unhealthy habit that feeds your fears, worries, and anxiety.

So what are some unhealthy habits we people-pleasers tend to choose?

Being the person to always remind others, so they don’t forget.

Wait for others to express their opinions before expressing yours (or even thinking you have one).

Constantly reminding others to be to “be safe” or “drive safely”.

Feeling defensive when being questioned about what you want.

Always the teacher, helping others do things better.

You are the problem solver on the team.

Your super-power is figuring out how to compensate for other’s shortcomings.

Overtime? No problems, anything for the team.

Always available for anyone.

When you’ve disappointed others, you make excuses.

Never start a conversation unless you ask something you know that person loves.

Favorites of anything shockingly align with anyone you are hanging out with a lot.

Decision-making is not your strength when who you are with has that strength.

You are a leader when it is absolutely necessary because that is what the team needs.

Always saying yes to events, even when you secretly don’t want to.

Everyone and everything has a higher priority over you, your health and your life goals.

Did any of these resonate with you? Is this you in any way?

If so, you aren’t alone. I can pretty much guarantee that most parents have developed some of these habits just to manage their own lives around trying to grow and nurture other humans (which is scary as hell, lots of times). The questions are: how does it hurt us, and what can we do to remedy these unhealthy habits?

Being a People-Pleaser Affects Your Mental Health

Unfortunately, these people-pleasing tendencies grow over time and expand exponentially into other areas of our lives.

How is that possible?

It might have started with a number of different events rooted in your childhood that taught you how to behave around certain personalities. Then as you grow up, you learn that life is somewhat easier if other people are happy and you don’t have to deal with chaos. You might have been told that “it must be nice to never want for anything”. True because you are so deeply ingrained in pleasing others that you actually don’t know what you want, or where to start if you had to.

For some of us that are slightly aware of the people-pleasing tendencies we always have this battle warring inside us. One that tells us that we want more from our life, but we tell ourselves that it is too scary and we could hurt others if we change now. We stuff our feelings and compensate by hurting our health by eating our feelings or sacrificing our mental health and succumbing to a life of anxiety, or depression.

Neither of these situations is healthy, for you or those you love. Your relationships aren’t authentic, because they don’t know the real you. Hell, you don’t know the real you. Your career might be going great, but is it truly fulfilling? Is your health suffering because you have always put others first?

The Science Behind the Madness

Our natural reactions are explained by science. Each time we made the choice to do that people-pleasing habit, out of fear, worry or anxiety, it told our Amygdala (a tiny part of our brain that controls our emotions and holds onto memories) that the feeling that it gave us was the correct feeling. Then the next time we came across a similar situation, that feeling was sent again by our Amygdala and we naturally reacted to it.

Repeat.Over.and.Over.Again.

Currently, you don’t think about your natural reactions (your habits) to those situations, you just do them and they grow exponentially into other areas of your life. Until one day you wake up and wonder how come your life is so different than you thought it would be. Until you are having anxiety attacks just thinking about certain situations.

People-Pleasing is sucking the life out of you.

It doesn’t need to though…

There’s a solution for managing your fears, worries, and anxiety and it starts with you.

The Steps to Helping Manage Your People-Pleasing Madness

The first step is coming clear with the motivation behind your decisions to people-please.

Why am I trying to please this person?

What is it costing me to do this?

Does it align with who I want to be or my own life goals?

Next, notice the natural habits you do when you feel the need to be that people-pleaser. How are you telling your brain that there is something to fear, something to worry about, or that the anxiety is justified?

The last step is going to be uncomfortable because you might feel your fear, you will feel the worry and anxiety will be staring in you the eye. However, you need to take back your control so that you can manage those feelings. So you can decide when those feelings are justified.

How do we do that?

The last step in this process is creating a new habit that teaches your brain to expand your thoughts around being comfortable with not pleasing everyone. Learning to be more authentic and true to yourself. Learning to put yourself and your dreams first once in a while.

It might include:

Stepping away from superstitious behaviors.

Letting others do things for themselves (yes, even the kids).

Giving yourself permission to say no at least once a month, so you can do what you want to do.

Plan healthy activities for you to do, and don’t change your plans easily for others.

Listen with compassion; don’t problem solve.

Don’t take on other people’s worries or feelings. Own your own feelings only.

Discover something new that you like.

Make overtime the exception, not the rule.

I’d like to say it’s simple, but it might not be for you. So don’t try to tackle all of the things at once. Pick one small reaction and work through it until you create a new habit that works for you. When the brain is screaming at you that there is something you need to be worried or fearful about then try telling it “thank you for bringing that to my attention”, and then choose to do your new healthier habit anyway.

Over time, your brain will receive more memories of life being good even when you might have put yourself first, or disappointed someone. You might even have positive memories of your relationships grow stronger because you are learning more about yourself and people are getting to know the real you. As you continue along your journey you will start to create a life you love. Now that is living YOUR life and that’s the dream I have for you!

How will you shift your mindset so that people-pleasing isn’t sucking the life out of you?