How to Connect With Your Teen

Are you ready for the teen years? The hormone changes, the peer pressure, the confusing environment constantly bombarding your teen? Learning how to connect with your teen creates a solid foundation to help them thrive through their teens and maintain their sanity.

My husband and I are parents of three. Two of our children are now adults, living on their own and starting their own life. Our third is just entering her teen years. We are survivors of our teen years. We made it out of two seasons already and are entering our third.

I used to think we got lucky with our kids.

Then I read Tough Guys and Drama Queens by Mark Gregston and realized that we have always had flexible parenting when it matters. I’ll explain this as I talk about the book further on in this article.

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First I want to thank Mark Gregston for allowing me to do this book review. I was intrigued by the book and reached out to Mark and he graciously sent me a copy so I could do the book review. *spoiler alert* I highly recommend this book for any parent of tweens and teens!

Tough Guys and Drama Queens

Mark Gregston starts off the book with an extremely insightful description of what today’s culture is like for teens. Through his professional experience, he provides solid examples that many parents can relate to, in a way that is easy to comprehend even if you haven’t experienced those situations yourself.

Confusing Times for Teens

His descriptions of how the teen is feeling and reacting in those real situations completely make sense and helps us as parents understand why that child reacts the way they do. Not all of these stories or situations were realized in our own parenting seasons but some of them did apply.

I remember being worried about our son’s lack of social life when he was in high school. He had friends, really great friends that are still solid relationships today thankfully. However, he was never one to go to a party or do typical social events that teens want to do. Instead, he’d escape into a video game or a book or we would spend time as a family playing a game.

During that time, I asked our son why he wasn’t being invited out more. Was his social life okay? Are you settling into high school okay? He stopped my questions and explained that he does get invited, but he declines. Those people were partying and getting drunk or doing “stupid things” (his words).

He then explained that he didn’t want to always feel like he had to take care of them. If he went to those events, then he would be the one to take care of them and clean up their puke. He didn’t see the point in acting the way they were acting and he would rather be home. I was 100% okay with his decision.

In Tough Guys and Drama Queens, Mark explains that sometimes teens will delve into video games as a coping mechanism. That is exactly what our son did to get him through those confusing times when he didn’t understand the choices his peers were making.

Our second child, another boy, struggled in his last year of high school. This was the year that became overwhelming, scary and confusing for him. He had a dream, a life goal, and it was getting closer to reality. Was it the right decision for him? He would be leaving home and potentially moving across the country where he didn’t know anyone.

We didn’t have Mark’s book to guide us through this time with our son but had learned early on while raising our two boys that they were very different personalities. What worked for one, didn’t always work for the other. So while holding true to our morals and beliefs, we adjusted how we parented the boys.

During this tough year for our second son, becoming more mindful in my own life helped me pick up subtle hints that he wasn’t doing as well as he’d like us to think. There were moments that were pretty scary for us as his parents but we were able to work through those moments together by coaching him through those confusing times.

I’m thankful for my mom taxi times that helped us connect with the kids because it was those times that helped keep the communication open during the darkest period of our son’s teen years. He knew that we would be there through the good times and the bad, with love always. Now he lives in a different part of the country working towards his next life goal, knowing we are only a phone call away always.

The One Confusing Chapter (My Personal Opinion)

The only confusing chapter for me in this book is Chapter 5 where Mark discusses the confusing nature of gender roles in today’s society. I agree that gender roles in today’s society are not clearly defined which may be confusing for a teen/tween that is trying to sort out who they are themselves.

As a teen myself, I grew up in a small town with very defined gender role beliefs that didn’t quite match my own passions in life. As a young girl, I wanted to take mechanics in 4-H Club. Growing up, I used to spend hours bugging my Dad in his garage asking questions about things as he worked on the cars. It drove him nuts!

I was always one to want to know how something worked and why it worked that way. What was the purpose of that object? My Dad often kicked me out of the garage because it drove him nuts. My solution was to learn mechanics through 4-H and I was so excited to learn finally! Sadly it didn’t happen. I was denied because I was a girl and told to take something more appropriate like cooking and sewing.

I’ll let that sink in.

The gender role I was being told to take was to be a good housewife and learn to sew and cook. Learning how to fix a car or change my own tire was not going to be useful to me. That’s the message sent to my young impressionable brain.

In high school, I was denied option classes that were mechanical or word working trades focused. I was allowed to take drama though, which was fun but to my engineering brain not very useful for my planned future.

I’ll be honest though, the adults that made these decisions for me were wrong.

Years later I became an Engineer, and frankly, a mechanics lesson or two would have been very helpful when I was in University taking many Mechanical Engineering classes required for my degree. It didn’t stop me though. I still graduated with my Engineering degree.

I’m not your “typical” girly girl. I never have been. It’s been hard to figure out who I am and love my authentic self. As a parent, I realized the importance of coaching the kids to love themselves and not be fake for anyone. That true friendships and relationships will stay strong when you are true to your authentic self.

There is one statement near the end of the chapter that captured my attention that I do agree with.

“I believe that gender roles have more to do with who you are and the ideals you embrace than what you have, do, or display. As parents and children alike focus on developing an inner strength and beauty as conditions of our hearts, we’ll discover that the character traits we embrace will stand out as examples to our culture of true manliness and real womanhood.” – Mark Gregston, Tough Guys and Drama Queens

I agree. We need to teach our kids that loving and accepting others for who they are is beautiful. Seeing one’s authentic nature shows their inner strength. And finally, learning who you are and embracing your authentic self is the best gift you can give yourself and the world around you.

Tools and Tips That Work

In Tough Guys and Drama Queens, Mark Gregston does more than just point out the confusing nature of today’s society. He provides a comprehensive and extensive list of tools and tips that any parent can use for their teen year season.

Mark also provides tips for preparing your family for the teen years, so if you are in that tween year stage or just entering the tweens this book is still for you.

Mark recommends fostering independence in your tween so that they are prepared for teen years and beyond as they enter adulthood. He gives solid advice on topics to help get you started. We personally did some tips of these naturally during our parenting years with our kids which, looking back, it helped foster independence in our children.

We had the kids make their own school lunches when they entered elementary school. It was more guided when they were young but as they grew we gave them more independence and input as to what they wanted to put in their lunches. They were part of the grocery shopping as well.

There were other topics that Mark has recommended that we personally didn’t do until much later in our son’s teen years. Looking back, if we had started sooner it would have prepared them better emotionally and helped sort through some of the confusing periods for them.

Tough Guys and Drama Queens is an extremely helpful guide to help foster independence while strengthening the connection you have with your child. Mark recommends creating a date with your child to connect. It’s this date that lets the child know that you want to be with them through the good times and help them through the bad ones too.

He guides you through how to structure the date so you aren’t interrogating your teen about their life. He helps you lay the groundwork so that your teen feels comfortable coming to you about the good, the confusing, and the bad in their life. This date intentionally creates a strong bond with your child.

This bond helps you through tough times where your inner parental strength will be tested. Don’t worry though, Mark has prepared a chapter to help you through figuring out what battles to pick and which ones to drop.

Trust me, there will be battles. Life isn’t easy when raising teens, but learning to look at the big picture and pick your battles will make it less confusing for you and your teen!

A huge portion of this book includes helpful tips and tools for parents raising teens and tweens. It helps to lay the groundwork for healthy relationships within the family and coaching them to be strong independent adults.

Tough Guys and Drama Queens teaches parents how to connect with their teen and provides solid advice about flexible parenting when it matters. Holding your ground on everything drives a wedge between family members. When you learn when to be flexible in your expectations you start helping your teen navigate life, preparing them for a future in adulthood.

Even though we’ve been through two teen parenting seasons, we are entering our third right now. After reading Tough Guys and Drama Queens I’m more prepared than ever to enter the next few years with our daughter. Just like the boys were different, she has her own unique personality. It’s been interesting coaching her so far, and I look forward to the next few years we have with her.

What season of parenting are you in? Are you prepared?