How to Grow a Strong Marriage

We were 19 and 20 when we married and it will be 27 years ago next month. Life hasn’t been perfect but through everything, our marriage is stronger than ever. Over the years, friends have asked how we did it, what is our secret? We don’t have a secret, because I’m willing to tell anyone what works for us; how to grow a strong marriage.

Have you ever felt like you were roommates with your partner? You live together, raise the kids together, pay bills, fix up the house, clean the house, and do the yard work. Life goes on, but there isn’t a connection. You are two adults living under the same roof, talking about necessities but not really having a conversation.

It happens, life get’s busy. Marriage is hard work but you need to do the work to grow a strong marriage. What needs to be done? It’s a simple solution. The hard part is practicing.

There isn’t a list of things to do; it is one simple thing. Communicate.

What?! But we do communicate!

No, you talk. You talk about: parenting the kids, house needs, groceries, fixing the car, picking up the kids, and yard work.

Join the Hygge Challenge

When was the last time you sat down with your partner and asked them about their dreams? Do you talk about your career paths? Do you share with each other what you want to do after the kids move out?

Practice Makes Perfect

Years ago I was asked by a friend what she could do to fix her marriage. She had been married for less than a year, but there wasn’t a connection anymore. After talking to her about what was happening, it became clear that they were spending more time talking to other people about their lives, dreams, and desires. They had stopped having those conversations with each other.

Sadly their marriage ended in divorce, but something she said has stuck with me through the years. When I told her that we work to stay on the same page by sharing with each other, her response was that her marriage wasn’t in the same chapter, book, or even in the same library for that matter.

It’s not always easy to reconnect with your spouse when you are eyeballs deep in a busy life. However, when it comes to learning how to grow a strong marriage, one that will stay strong after the kids move out, you need to make the effort.

Make the Time

Over the years we have made the time to reconnect in different ways. The one rule during this time: no day-to-day talk. Here are just a few pockets of time we found to help us.

road trips – while the kids would watch a movie, or while they slept
camping – around the campfire after the kids went to sleep
hiking, or an evening walk
dinner for two
coffee on the weekend
evening connects

Weekday evenings in our home, include a set bedtime for the kids. This bedtime changed as they got older, but we encouraged them to spend a bit of downtime reading a book before bed. This allowed us to use this time to rejuvenate after a long day and find a moment or two to reconnect with one another.

Join the Hygge Challenge

Are we this amazing couple that has deep discussions with each other every day? No, we aren’t. My husband loves his TV sports (Canadian and American teams), and while I don’t mind sports I would rather spend my time doing something else. However, if it has been too long, we are honest with one another when we start to feel disconnected.

Oscar Wilde was right when he said, ‘Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is a conversation’. While I have friendships with other people, my best friend is my husband.

To me being married to my best friend isn’t cliché, because it has proven to help us grow our relationship over the years. We dream together, we find common activities to do together, we talk about our future, and we talk about how we are feeling about our life right now. We work hard to stay on the same page when it comes to our life together. This is our secret for how to grow a strong marriage.