Surviving Working Moms Guilt

To the mom that works long hours outside the home or running your own business in the home, all while juggling mom-life and a marriage. It’s hard, I know. The guilt of not being able to do it all and be everywhere is the worst. Maybe there’s a way for surviving working moms guilt? Can we redefine supermom?

I’ve worked outside the home my entire career, and even now as I build my business I am working full-time outside the home. Life is pretty chaotic for us and the working mom guilt isn’t anything new for me. I’m pretty seasoned (with the grey hairs to match) when it comes to feeling overwhelmed with working mom guilt.

I was especially feeling the working mom guilt over the last few weeks where work demanded long working hours and I continued to work on my “free time”. (hahaha)

There’s no such thing as “free time” when you are working for someone else, yourself, and being a mom and wife.

Time is carefully planned, so you don’t lose your ever freaking mind! I’m sure you completely understand.

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I read an article recently that a study in Australia found that, “men who work long hours make their wives feel more stressed and rushed, but women who work long hours don’t have the same effect on their husbands”. Why is that?

Why do women feel more stressed when their husbands are working long hours and yet when we work long hours men don’t have the added stress? (side note – if your husband is working long hours check out this article to help you)

The study split the “outside of work hours” into two categories: contaminated leisure time and non-contaminated leisure time. I’m not sure I agree with the terminology but that’s my opinion. “Non-contaminated leisure time” was considered time without the kids or husband such as time with friends, or self-care routines. Whereas “contaminated leisure time” was time spent taking kids to playdates or social events with the family.

The study showed that men didn’t stress about the “contaminated leisure times”, they enjoyed them. While it was the opposite for women.

It was found that men always made time for “uncontaminated leisure times”, no matter how busy life got. While women frequently gave up their mom-time when life was too chaotic.

Why is it that we push that “I’m not worthy of mom-time” button when life is busy?

What can we do to survive working mom guilt and still have strong relationships with our kids and spouse? How can we simplify life so we can create a life we love?

Survival Tips for Working Moms

There are many changes that my husband and I did over the years to help lessen my working mom guilt. I’ve celebrated mother’s day by myself on a business trip and missed field trips, games, school events and so much more. The most recent was a family skating day during the holidays when I had to work but the kids went skating with my husband who had the time off work.

SIMPLIFY THE SCHEDULE

Finding ways to simplify the schedule creates more opportunities for family time. I have big dreams for the business but sometimes I have to lengthen time-frames for goals so that I can reach another life goal, my family. My family relationships, both with my kids and my spouse are just as important and worth creating time in my schedule.
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF TECHNOLOGY

When on a busy trip or when working out of town (I did this for almost a full year) use facetime or skype to connect with the kids and your spouse. Share the family planning role (meal planning, family schedules, to-do lists, etc) using a free app like Cozi Family Scheduler. This free app has saved my own sanity for many many years!
REDEFINE SUPERMOM

Don’t expect yourself to do everything, ask for help. Work together as a family to get things done. Don’t expect perfection. Let your spouse help. Let the kids help.

After all, what’s most important? The family is fed and healthy. Everyone got from points A, B, C, or D and then back home safely. Those are more important in the big picture.
GIVE THE GIFT OF FUN

Make sure the family knows not to put life on hold for you. They should be allowed to have those special fun times with Dad too. Then when you talk to them, make it distraction-free with no phones or other pressing matters. Enjoy their faces when they are sharing their day. Listen to the laughter and know that you are helping them create wonderful memories that they will cherish.
FORGIVE YOURSELF

This is a big one. Many moms feel that we need to do it all, be everywhere, and never stop. Somehow if we aren’t fulfilling these perfect expectations we have failed as a mother and a woman. As my friend Holly says, “that’s poppycock!”.

It’s time we forgive ourselves for not being superhuman. The truth is kids remember the times we are there, and remember the loving support we gave them growing up. They remember seeing us working hard as strong women and know that we love them.
SET INTENTIONAL ROUTINES TO SIMPLIFY LIFE

Years ago, we intentionally started simplifying life at home with routines. Now as I grow my business and work full-time outside the home, these routines are saving my butt, BIG TIME!

Some of the routines I follow include setting a work schedule routine that works for me and the family, creating family time, meal planning, evening routines were big for us both when the kids were small and for helping our marriage, and morning routines for school lunches and making sure the teens are ready for school.
SPEND TIME WITH YOUR SPOUSE

This doesn’t need to be a date night out. You can play a game at home or watch a show together. Plan a fun activity you both can enjoy can also be something to look forward to when life is crazy. For a few years, my husband and I curled in a mixed curling league. It was a night out every week that we enjoyed together.

Another really good marriage tip from One-Day.life is to intentionally say “yes” to sex with your spouse as often as possible. This isn’t always easy when stress is high, but work that stress out by having some fun with your spouse instead of focusing on the busy mom brain.
SELF-CARE NEEDS TO BE A PRIORITY TOO

Did you know that if you don’t dust for a day, life continues and the world won’t explode or meltdown? I discovered this. Now I make my evening or morning routines (sometimes both) include some form of self-care to reduce my stress. For years, I had a monthly ladies night out that was fun and relaxing.

Redefining Supermom

I found the Australian family study interesting. Men found time with friends and family enjoyable and they made the time for self-care consistently. While women didn’t seem to relax enough to enjoy the family time and opted to not have self-care time when “all the things” needed to be done.

Is it the misconception that we can’t be a great wife or mother if we aren’t doing everything for everybody? Or are we just over-achievers at the heart of it?

I don’t have the answer, but I do know that my mental health needed many of the survival tips listed above. Stress during times of chaotic work hours didn’t make life fun. Often I was too focused on everything that needed to be done at work and at home to enjoy life.

I was missing out on life. My kids were growing up and I was missing special moments even when I was there in the room. We found ways to simplify life so that I could start surviving working moms guilt.

I still suffer from guilt but not as much anymore, because I know that I’m more mindful and present in those special family moments. Now I forgive myself and give myself grace during the tough seasons. I’m a supermom, not because my house is spotless (it’s not), but because I do what I can in the moments I have. I’m connecting with them.

Will you join me in redefining supermom?